Aug 302016

Topco Ultrazone ParadiseInitially I was attracted to the UltraZone Paradise 9x due to its design. It’s a lovely purple silicone vibrator with a few bloops. The shape reminds me of a pea pod, which I thought was cute; apparently I’m wholly incapable of resisting anything even remotely adorable.

I didn’t expect the greatest toy ever, as I mentioned in my review of the TopCo Ultrazone Eternal I find manufacturers who produce many designs tend to have crappier motors. For me a crappy motor is a buzzy motor as it feels unpleasant and is never truly enjoyable.

The Paradise managed to have not only an extremely buzzy motor but the vibrations consist almost exclusively of patterns.

First off, the design itself does please me. As I predicted the bloops got along swimmingly with my vagina; I love how they feel. I can be rather picky with texture as it can often be too intense, with any “sharp” points or small, extensive texture usually veering towards painful rather than enjoyable. The Paradise has nice, soft bloops. They’re solid, but the silicone is silky and the edges are beautifully smooth. Alongside the small diameter this means it glides on in rather than needing to be forced to conform with my insides.

When it comes down to it though, the vibrations are disappointing. They’re buzzy and they have no depth. It’s the kind of vibration that numbs your  bits before you have a chance to even try to reach orgasm. If I want pleasure from the Paradise I need to thrust it. Leaving it inside me to do what it should do – give me pleasure from vibrations – doesn’t do anything. It’s boring, unbelievably dull and if I wanted to fall asleep instead of get off, this vibe would be great.

When applied to my clit it’s equally as useless. The vibrations simply aren’t good.

Then there’s the patterns. I don’t like patterns and it’s my fault for not reading the product page thoroughly enough before requesting this vibe, but there’s not even varying levels of intensity. It possesses one solid vibration speed then a bunch of goddamn patterns. I don’t know anyone who prefers it that way. Sure, occasionally they can somewhat make up for a buzzy motor in an insertable vibe; i.e. when it’s on the solid vibration speed it numbs me and I can barely feel it, but when a pattern kicks in at least it’s noticeable. It forces my vagina to pay attention. This is also true for the Paradise however it’s still not enough. I think a pattern-exclusive design is silly and no finagling or pattern trickery can make up for it.

For the whole time I’ve had this toy to review it’s been one I dread using. I know it doesn’t get me off. It will never get me off. I will never reach for it again unless I’m desperate for texture and it’s the only thing within reach. I had a hard time testing it at all because I knew it would be uneventful and disappointing.

The Ultrazone Paradise is waterproof, silicone and not overly loud, which is nice. Considering the type of toy it is (not attached to a power point) and the price range it sits in (USD$80+) these things should be the default and not viewed as something that redeems the toy.

Unlike the last TopCo product this ones charger fits properly. It’s one of those designs where you find the tiny hole and push the pin through. I enjoy this more than is reasonable. There’s something extremely satisfying about feeling the pin push through the silicone and into the port. Don’t judge me.

The buttons are fine. They operate the same as any other 2 button mechanic on a vibrator ever. Up is up, down is down, hold one or the other to turn it on or off.

So, it doesn’t work for me. The bloops are cool and get full marks, but the rest needs improvement. Stick a nice, rumbly motor in it, with a good amount of depth and I’m pretty sure I’d love it. The design has potential and its current motor situation doesn’t do it justice.

It’ll appeal to a very limited group of people. Are buzziness and patterns are your jam? This is possibly the most well suited vibrator for you that I’ve ever met. I expect more from it, like depth and vibration speed choices and the UltraZone Paradise just doesn’t have any of that. I can’t recommend it, unless you’re as devoted to buzzy vibrations as I am to rumbly ones.

This cute purple pea pod is a complete dud for me, and I can’t encourage the purchasing of it unless you’re into vibration-centered psychological masochism.

topco toyz

This product was sent in exchange for my honest review.

Affiliate links have been used.


 Posted by at 5:37 pm

  2 Responses to “Review: UltraZone Paradise 9x”

  1. I, too, cannot resist cute things. So, I am grateful that I came across your review before coming across the toy itself. Buzzy vibrations are just icky.

  2. The toy looks great but if it doesn’t have variable speed, it just doesn’t do it for me.

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