Jan 292016


Trigger warning: Talk of depression, sick people, self harm, skin picking, trichotillomania and general shitty life things. 

I’ve been consistently bad at posting for the last several months. I truly don’t mean to be, but my brain and my body have been doing weird things. My depression has been up and down, I’ve been extremely forgetful and existing in a state of very heavy brain fog for a while now. I could easy fix this issue if I could just remember, and care to, take my ADHD medication, but I need to take the meds for my brain to be clear enough to remember it.

I can’t remember the last time I took my Vitamin D pills. I should, my Vit D levels have been low for years, I imagine it’s a side-effect of agoraphobia and rarely leaving the house. Low Vit D can impact depression, so I know I should take it, I just keep forgetting. Same story with my synthetic thyroid medication; I should take it, hypothyroidism can be detrimental to the mental state, especially of someone with long-standing major depression, it can cause it, but I forget, and I have trouble caring. It’s not that I want to not feel great, I don’t necessarily enjoy feeling so stuck, I just don’t have the energy.

I go to bed at anywhere from 5-9am. I sleep until 6pm. I talk to the family for a while. I usually have a nap on the couch because I’m utterly exhausted. I play with the rats. Then I go to bed and watch YouTube videos or Netflix, the last few days I’ve been reading, until I’m tired enough to sleep. I never feel rested.

There’s sludge in my brain and its making life hard. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 9:51 pm
Feb 022015

I’ve been thinking about getting into sex work for a while. It just appeals to me. It isn’t something I want to jump into though. It comes with a lot of shit, like the incessant sexual harassment and verbal toxicity that I’m not sure I’d be able to mentally handle.

Sex work is legal in Australia. All you have to do is Google “escort” and you get a whole array of sites catering to everything and anything. There’s Escorts and Babes, who allow you to search escorts and brothels to match wherever and whatever you’re searching for.

I don’t want to be an escort though. I am definitely not cut out to be an escort.

I have a huge level of respect for sex workers and how difficult it can be. All work is difficult though, I guess. Women especially get a lot of shit for merely existing but sex workers tend to get a concentrated amount of that vile. There’s a huge market for sex work, and yet they’re still treated like disgusting whores by the greater public, it’s gross.

I’ve been thinking about camming or selling videos. I am an exhibitionist. Until now all that was really stopping me was that it didn’t compute with my relationship. I find masturbation more enjoyable when I get to be a show off. I like being watched. I like sticking my cunt in the air and fucking myself silly. It’s fun. I have that many sex toys now (50!) it’d be a waste not to show them off, and knowing I’m turning someone one is my favourite thing. Knowing someone is getting off watching me? Yes please.  Continue reading »

 Posted by at 6:49 pm
Jan 262015

I’ve spent my entire life feeling anxious. I’ve been depressed since I was at least 11. I’ve always been on edge and confused. I was never able to envision a future for myself, I spent most of my teens pretty convinced I’d never make it to 18.
And I started getting better. And I fell in love. He was in the Netherlands and he was everything I could never even dream of having.

We decided to try the long distance thing; when we did meet we clicked immediately. Never in my life have I been as comfortable with someone as quickly as I was with him. I’ve never had a male friend because guys make me uncomfortable, and there I was having flown half way around the world despite crippling agoraphobia, and I felt safe. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 2:43 pm
Jan 232015

I never saw myself entering into a long distance relationship, let alone one that started online. After seeing my mum in online relationships, getting stood up and spending the night at Sydney airport because she’d been played, my opinion of such relationships was low. When I saw others in relationships like that, I judged the shit out of them, especially if they hadn’t Skyped or met within the first few months of being official.

And then a dorky Dutch asshole came along and threw everything I thought I knew about myself out the window. Not only was it a guy, it was long-as-hell distance; him in the Netherlands and me in rural Australia. I did manage to stick with my morals(ish) in that we met in February, about 5 months after we decided we were definitely an exclusive thing, and we’d been Skyping almost every single day for longer than that. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 6:00 pm
Jan 112015

In the last year and a bit I’ve gained a lot of weight. Partially due to birth control, partially because I have the tendency to binge eat. Right now I weigh the most I’ve ever weighed and I feel really uncomfortable with my body. I have angry red stretch marks again for the first time in years. My hips, thighs, behind my knees, on my butt. I’ve even got some on my forearms. I want to lose weight, but it’s hard. I live with my mum who is constantly buying junk food, and when it’s in my face, it’s really hard to resist eating it. I need a lot of support, to help me stay on track, to help make sure I’m not losing it, but I don’t really have anyone. Right now my belly upsets me the most. I have (had?) faded scars from past self-harming, but because of the weight gain, they’ve stretched and turned pink. Combined with the actual stretch marks, my belly is one big flub of red lines, and I hate it. Continue reading »

 Posted by at 6:19 am